Summer thoughts

This was a blog that I wrote in July of this past Summer. I can't believe how I felt while writing this because our God is SOO good and has delivered me from these feelings and has healed my heart since writing this. I am sharing because I feel like it may encourage someone today. God can do anything...with him all things are possible. At the time that I wrote this, I was feeling very low...very confused and hurt. He has really transformed me in the last 3 months. Hallelujah!

But remember, "without the rain and the pain there can be no growth."

Wow…this Summer has been going by so fast and through it all..so have my emotions. I am tired of moving. Since Grandpa died, 8 months ago, I have been on the go ever since. Between packing and unpacking THREE different apartments, moving not only my things, but also my heart..my dog…my life. Trying to be settled only to be uprooted again and again….not finding any peace or comfort in anything…

Don't get me wrong, I liked the places that I lived and believed I was there for a season..but it was hard. I had only moved once in my whole life and I just moved three times in less than a year. The post office got annoyed with me…changing my address yet again…trust me guys, I felt like saying, this isn't easy for me either!!!

I felt like I had JUST gotten comfortable and poof…I was up and running again. I was just picturing this…picture a dog roaming around the house…trying to find comfort…its hot, the dog's tired and just wants REST…he cant find any…but soon finds some kind of comfort in one spot…but then a bug comes and the dog has to get up and move again…roaming almost aimlessly around looking for another spot…

This is how I have felt the last 8 months…

I didn't grieve the loss of Grandpa right away, but instead found peace that he wasn't suffering anymore. I cried more before he died than I did after. It was grueling to watch someone you love so much go through all of that. I have to admit, I felt alone in the process, although I wasn't. I believe that God wanted me to spend those last precious moments with just Grandpa alone though. I remember visiting him in the hospital, especially one Friday night. I remember thinking, "I want to see him no matter what." I went and although he was in a lot of pain and not feeling well at all, I had one of the best times with him that I had had in a long time. It was just him and I…in a hospital room…the funny part is, he wanted to sit in the chair that I was in (cause his back hurt him) therefore I had to switch with him and sit on the bed! LOL. This is healing for me to talk about this….I really haven't reminisced about him and I am tired of burying the pain…in work…in friends…in my own hearts desires…in busying myself with church…etc. I am tired of packing up my own feelings, only to unpack them, then pack them up again…I am tired of moving. I am tired of moving my life…my emotions…I am tired of unpacking them and placing them on a shelf that no one can see…or even out in the open where they become stumbling blocks for others. I don't know what to do with these emotions. I cry, I get anxious, nervous, frustrated and confused. I haven't wanted to deal with them…or haven't before, but do now…so therefore I box them up again…only to keep doing the same pattern as I had been.

I need a way out. I need to vent…I need to cry…release the emotions and put away the boxes for good. I need to be settled. To be loved and cared for…I need to RECEIVE the love that others so graciously give to me. Including our Father. I need to stop focusing on the things of the past that I cannot change. I need to stop feeling like I am a burden to others and allow them to listen to me.

Wow…praise you Lord. Through it all, you have been a constant rock in my life. I am looking forward to the days ahead…to the break in the clouds in my life…I know that with you all things are possible and that you will never leave me…