First Love

I wrote this in early August of this year (2008). I had been going through a really hard time...just alot of rejection and confusion and deep sorrow that I had been suppressing for so long. I experienced a breakthrough a few weeks after I wrote this and was changed and brought to a new place in Christ, but it's always nice to look back on what we write and learn that even in the most difficult times, Jesus is still speaking to us and encouraging us to press in.

First Love

"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." Revelation 2:2-4

As the Lord has been bringing up past hurts and offenses that have been buried deep in my heart lately, I was reminded of the scripture above. As I read it again, I thought, "wow…imagine doing all of those things, only to have God say to you, I have this against you.." That's how much of a jealous God he is. And rightfully so. He pours out his love into us constantly…it is fathomless, uncontainable, unrelenting, etc. Why shouldn't we love HIM like he loves us? Why shouldn't we spend as much time with him as we can, he waits and longs for us…I'm preaching to myself here.

One of the deep hurts that God has been working on with me, is that of my first love. I am sure most people have dealt with the bitter sting of a first love. It hurts..there are no words for it. It cuts deeper than any knife and the wound can last forever. Honestly, the wound from my first "love" wasn't the worst one in my case…but the most recent. Since I am writing about the first love though, let me elaborate more on that.

I dated RJ for 3 years, when I was 17-20 yrs old. We had a pretty "solid" relationship and spent almost every waking hour together for those three years. We were best friends, not only lovers. Our families even knew each other over time and that made it all the more sweet….or bitter at the end.

RJ and I shared some intimate first times together (not sex) but other things. At the time, I thought I was going to marry him. I remember getting out of my classes (I was only in highschool) and thinking about what we would do as we hung out that evening. We ate at each other's houses, we talked on the phone all night, we played video games together, went out with our friends, went camping, played sports, etc. You name it, we did it, pretty much. I had NEVER before experienced these emotions that I had felt with him. I wanted to be with him forever. I loved him. I shared many of my most secret thoughts with him. Then one day, it all changed. I had found out that he was lying to me about some things..working late, smoking, hanging out with girls when he wasn't with me..etc. We grew apart over time and eventually I found out the last straw one night and broke up with him. I believe he had cheated on me, but I will never be certain.

I said all of this to say….that God is jealous of our time. He is jealous of what we set our affections on. Are our affections set on him? More so than anyone else? The bible says that before the foundations of the world were set it, Jesus loved us. Therefore, God is our first love. We are the APPLE of his EYE…one look from our eyes and heart and it makes his heart beat fast. He is our beloved and we are his.

Is Jesus looking at you through the lattice today? If so, let him inside your heart. He longs to go where no man has ever gone or will ever go again…he is your lover…he is your creator..he knows you like no man or woman ever will or could. He knit you together in your mother's womb and before you were born, he knew you. He chose you. Think about how a guy see's a girl that he likes…he approaches her and if the girl reciprocates than they start dating and he has actually chosen her. God is like this. He chooses us, before we choose him..therefore we are HIS.

Go back to the days where you and God would meet for hours….let him romance you…the holy spirit wants to caress you today…he wants you to set your face like flint on him and allow him to sweep you off your feet. He is our prince of peace…let him take you away to his Kingdom. I was watching Cinderella the other day and I fell in love all over again with just the romance of it all…the prince stopping at NOTHING to find her again. He lost her, but found her again and their romance was so fragrant and sweet. Allow Jesus to come find you today…wherever you are. Even if you are dressed in your soot and ashes again…hair a mess….he loves you…and always will.